19 Comments

This is beautiful and so true.

I will tell you, the older my oldest gets, the easier all the hard stuff of babies feels, because the troubles I’m facing with a 7 year old are harder in comparison. So i keep thinking, i need more babies because even though i thought this was hard, i now see it’s the easiest option—the most love returned. Then i remember—they’ll become 7 year olds eventually and i talk myself back down. I cried and cried when we found out about our surprise 3rd, i was so overwhelmed with my two…and now i might want a 4th because he’s so wonderful and brings so much happiness to our lives. No one (in stable circumstances) ever regrets the children they have, but many regret the ones they don’t (is what my mama always told me.)

Expand full comment

Oh Caroline, this is so honest and beautiful and I’m kind of giddy that I can read more of your beautiful writing and bear witness to all these things. Even with 4 🙈 I feel 100% the same. What will I be without babies hanging from me? As I type, my littlest is napping on my chest and these naps are numbered and it’s heartbreaking. I’ve been in this phase for almost a decade and it’s hard to let go and move on. I keep saying, there’s gotta be a support group or textbook or a 7-step program 🙏🏼

Expand full comment

I’m currently pregnant with my third and feel much the same. When I got pregnant, for a few weeks I felt settled that there was enough. That all the babies I had felt called to bring earth side would be here; that everyone meant to be at the dinner table would be here. But then feelings of this being the last time, of this phase of my life ending crept in and I’ve dared not say out loud that if it was my choice alone, I’d have another. But like you said - is another just searching for something that won’t come from another, will I feel this way when it’s the last one regardless of how many there are? It’s also these feelings that give me greater understanding of my parents’ joy at grandchildren, because I’ve already started looking forward to those days (should my children choose that path). For me, I’m not sure even a whole lifetime of holding sleeping babies, of mothering, of wiping tears and changing diapers and even of nursing would be enough.

Expand full comment

I feel this deep in my bones. Thank you for putting into words how I feel regularly.

Expand full comment

Wow you put all my feelings into words. I’m so grateful for you and your writing. I feel so seen and validated. Thank you.

Expand full comment
Mar 17, 2022·edited Mar 17, 2022

These feelings are so complicated and you are so talented to put them into words. I have 3 healthy babes who are simply the best and also drive me nuts. I very much want one more and my husband wanted to stop at 2. Navigating these crossroads and trying to be honest with myself if one more would be what I need or break me is constantly on my mind. If it was completely up to me, I would go for it, but it isn't and needing to balance my husband's feelings (plus our ages) is draining in itself.

Expand full comment

Oh this resonates with me so much. I only have one child, but I am feeling the same. I simultaneously know I would break with another child, but I also know I can’t breathe without one. It’s a painful limbo to be in. I hope all of us that are feeling this way find peace one way or another soon. Sending love.

Expand full comment

I have two boys the same age as your two, and I’m 10 weeks pregnant with my third. Your words resonated deeply. Having witnessed my deep struggles looking after the boys throughout the pandemic, nobody wanted me to add to the chaos. My partner was more willing, but my family expressed loving concern. I find it so strangely conflicting that as an introvert I suffer so much in the early years of motherhood, but also don’t want it to end. When I found out I was pregnant I felt like I when through a few weeks of mourning - that life could have gotten easier, that I might have found time to nurture myself. And yet here I am, and despite the nausea, the exhaustion, the chaos around me, I’m more at peace. Wishing peace for you in whatever decision you and your husband make. ❤️❤️❤️

Expand full comment

“And yet still. Maybe it’s a glitch in the matrix, but every time I look at them I think oh there’s supposed to be another one. There’s one missing. Like I absentmindedly left something behind at the supermarket when I picked up our grocery order and I really just need to go back and get it, because it’s waiting for us right now, right this minute. The recipe depends upon it.”

This, this, this, this, this.

I’m so happy to be here and my GOD do I feel the same way. Thank you for finding and sharing these words. 🧡

Expand full comment

Thank you, once again, for putting my undefined feelings into words. Your writing is truly magical, please never stop. ❤️

Expand full comment

I love this so much. I’m currently on my first and despite fertility challenges meaning I’m not sure if we’ll ever have another. I can’t imagine this being the only time I experience this. Did he / is he getting a vasectomy? I need to know the answer to this question, despite me being a stranger on the internet and it being none of my business 😂

Expand full comment

Thank you for finding an avenue to continue to share your writing with us.

I understand how you feel. I took the plunge... our third is due in July. I'm so excited and so scared.

Expand full comment

“I want every minute of them needing me well beyond my capacity because when it’s gone, and it will go, I can’t imagine what purpose could ever take its place.” CAROLINE!!!

Yesterday with my spirited boys (2 and 1) was an excruciating day from start to finish. Nonstop shrieking and tears, I literally texted my husband “Parenting these children today is fucking psychological warfare.” When he got home and I tried to literally just fucking walk into the next room to catch my breath a moment, my youngest screamed himself absolutely purple until I came back, picked him up, and he settled instantly, burying his blotchy and tear-streaked face into my neck.

Their need for me is sometimes so well-beyond my capacity it takes my breath away--but I can’t imagine what purpose could ever take its place.

(And despite days like yesterday I still stubbornly hold onto that “someone else belongs at the dinner table” feeling and hope for a third some day! It is such a wild ride we’re on.)

Expand full comment

Though it doesn’t feel like it now, all of the early-years madness that you just described is fleeting. Have that baby. You’ll have the beauty of the third child for a lifetime.

Expand full comment

Grateful for your words and the community found in these comments.

Expand full comment

Your words resonate profoundly. You could have put every last one of them into my mouth directly, other than mine being girls. How will we ever find ourselves again after something so magical and beautiful has been bestowed upon us? There is nothing that will ever reach the depths of my soul than the consuming need of their little bodies. And if I hear another person tell me they grow in the blink of an eye I will punch them in the face.

Expand full comment